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priorities

priorities

I'm caught in a strange predicament. 

I'm trying to figure out how to prioritize prioritizing things in my life. Is that redundant? Does that even make sense? I don't know. It doesn't feel like enough for me to say that I need to work on my priorities. I'm not even sure that my brain grasps the idea. 

Does anyone else feel like everything is number one on their list of priorities? Am I the only one who, when faced with the task of creating a list, finds myself with 47 things that all are labeled as 'number one'?

Starting things and then not finishing them because I get distracted by a new thing--another project--something that seems more important. This seems like the soundtrack of my adult life. Call it ADHD, but part of me is suspect to this being an issue for me without that diagnosis in the picture.

EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT!!!

How can I prioritize working over a relationship or creating art over making money or cleaning over getting groceries or working out over serving friends? I can't. That's the answer to that. I simply cannot. 

Urgent vs. important: What's the difference? Is there a difference? Probably. In the large scheme of things, I value connections and relationships and my passions vastly more than money, jobs, or possessions. But...when it gets to the point that I'm consistently "living by my values" then I begin to only choose relationships over taking care of myself and making sure I am "comfortable." And don't even get me started with my own mental health. I will drive myself into the wall to make sure others are served even if it ends with me having a panic attack because I didn't prioritize MYSELF. Then it's crash and burn and repeat. 

So... is this an issue of prioritization, distraction, procrastination, balance (or lack thereof), or am I confusing them all for one another? Are they all the same?? Is my overthinking of this matter ironically making me neglect my priorities?

I can make list after list but what it comes down to, I think, is my inner battle of being an overly creative human being in a world that doesn't really cater to my wishes. And that's fine. I get it. But when all I want to do is write and dance and create but the world is telling me 900 different things I actually should be doing in order to be an adult I freeze and then frantically act and any sense of "priorities" gets squished by anxiety and confusion and procrastination due to the aforementioned mind-f*cks.

So is it my priorities that I need to work on, or is it prioritizing my priorities? Or is it prioritizing that I need to prioritize my priorities and stop being a flop? I think I just talked myself in circles. All I know is that I have 12 things I should (???) be doing right now, but alas I choose to talk myself into yet another existential crisis that will likely last until the end of time.

That's all. 

 

 

anxiety (spoken word)

anxiety (spoken word)

on post-traumatic stress disorder

on post-traumatic stress disorder