Living Your Truth

"There comes a point where you have to realize that you have to stop doing things to make your parents happy."

My older sister said those words to me a few weeks ago as I sat in her chair at the salon, head covered in foil. I carried that seemingly simple sentence around with me for weeks after we had a conversation that really changed the way that I now think about things.

We were discussing the immense progress I've made over the past year--through illness, several hospital stays, mental health crises, and more. As I shared what I had gone through the past few months with my sister, she stopped me.

I had just finished saying, "I want to do ____, but mom and dad would shoot me." 

That's when she uttered the words that I opened this post with--that's what kickstarted my major epiphany that I've been tirelessly sifting through these past few weeks. 

For almost 23 years I've made nearly every decision with not just my parents, but everyone else, in the forefront of my mind. If I do this, then they'll be upset. If I do that, then they'll make fun of me. If I don't do this, they'll stop supporting me. The list goes on... And so many times when I DID do the thing that elicited fear in me out of what my parents or others would think, their reaction would only confirm my hesitation in the first place. 

I realized that there were very few decisions made driven by pure passion, truth, and interest on my part. I don't have to hold the same beliefs as my parents, friends, acquaintances, or anyone else for that matter. I don't have to do what's considered "typical." I don't have to adhere to a timeline set by myself or anyone else because I've been brainwashed into conforming to some strange societal norm.

So many things we do every day are based on norms, and what is or is not acceptable. Even something like marriage--who says you have to get married? Who says you have to have kids? Or work a 9-5, conventional job straight out of college? Why is that just what's kind of...expected? Why am I feeling bad for not being married yet because so many of my peers are? That's absurd. My soul doesn't feel bad about that at all. My soul is like, "Yeah, I love being single. I'm way too freakin' independent and free-spirited to want marriage right now." I graduated from college almost two years ago and I'm not working a typical full time job. So? There's not some giant timeline that we're all supposed to follow. We're just conditioned to think that there is, and anything else is just outrageous and stupid. 

I'm not going to go into all of the strange realizations I've made or all of the digging and discovering I've done over the past few weeks. We all have to realize things for ourselves. But I do want to say that it's so extremely important to find out what we believe, pursue it, and live it. Live our truth.

I've been living my truth. I've been researching, learning, filling my brain with knowledge and using that knowledge to form educated opinions. Opinions and beliefs I "held" previously surrounding religion, politics, the environment, etc. have changed immensely simply because I found out for myself what I believe to be true. It wasn't that I had set in stone opinions before, I just didn't take the time to figure anything out so I rode on loved ones' coattails. 

I've been creating--I LOVE Youtube and social media, and despite what anyone else says or thinks I know that my use of both of those outlets helps not only others but myself. The transformation photo/caption I posted went VIRAL and made over 2.3 million impressions on Instagram. Since then, I've received an THOUSANDS of emails, direct messages, comments, etc. from people asking for help and advice. I absolutely love connecting with people and being able to inspire them. There's nothing WRONG with that. I shouldn't feel BAD about that, or let someone tell me that posting "half naked" photos is indicative of being a hoe when the purpose of the photo is to help those that struggle with eating disorders or self harm. Like, what? No. I'm done holding back to protect a certain image of myself, family, or otherwise. 

I've been going to therapy! There's absolutely nothing wrong with therapy. In fact, I wish every person on the planet had the opportunity to see a therapist a few times a month. I learn a lot about myself, my upbringing, and my values in my therapy sessions. 

I'm collaborating with companies and brands that I BELIEVE in, not just ones that will pay good money.

I've been doing things that keep my brain thinking, staying connected to others and making new connections and planning, but not obsessing over, my future plans. 

I've been so much less anxious and not depressed at all. For that I owe nutritional rehabilitation, therapy, medication, and simply waking the f**k up. Life is BEAUTIFUL. I have SO MANY THINGS I am going to do with my life. Helping others is one of the values that I hold highest...why on earth would I hold back?

I visited Los Angeles for a few days last week and stayed with that same older sister that gave me advice a few weeks ago. We had a blast together--we hung out, talked, I met up with friends in the area, I went to Disneyland, I went dancing... it was the best weekend I've had in a very, VERY long time. I felt like MYSELF. 

We talked a lot about what I want to do--with my blog, Youtube, a podcast, and taking on clients for an exciting new project. I also met up with Amanda Bucci before leaving LA and we talked about these things, as well. My eyes light up and I get butterflies when I think about doing these things that I love so much.

Several times during my stay my sister told me how she could tell that I was so happy and that my soul belonged in LA. I couldn't agree more. Normally when I'm boarding a plane to fly home I'm ready to be home and I'm done being out of my routine...but not this time. I wanted to cry boarding that plane. I've been wanting to move down there for over a year now, but due to all of my health problems I couldn't. Until now. 

I can think of a few reasons why I shouldn't move down there--why I should just stay in Northern California, get a full time job, play it safe...but that's NOT what I want to do. That's not what will make my soul happy. That won't serve me. That will create anxiety, stress, depression, and lack of fulfillment. 

I can think of A BILLION reasons why I should move there! My sister, so many friends and connections, so much opportunity in the field that I desire to work, so much opportunity for collaboration with likeminded individuals. So much potential. I have so much love to give and as an empath I need to be around others like myself. It's a different vibe where I live now.

I'm done playing it safe and living in a way that makes no sense for me. I don't want to do things in a conservative, old fashioned way. I am going to thrive. I am going to live my truth, help others, and do me. I'm a special soul, and I'm not going to let it go to waste. 

Shoutout to all of the other special souls out there who realize how weird it is that we're conditioned to do the things we do. Let's band together and start doing the opposite. :p