You Really Do Have To Love Yourself

Three months ago now (wow) my boyfriend of two years broke up with me.

I cried a lot that first night and the next morning. Since then, I haven't cried at all.

Because I have dealt with heartbreak in the past, I initially figured and anticipated that this breakup would be even more unbearable because this was the most serious relationship I have been in thus far in my life. We planned on getting married (semi-soon) and I was head over heels in love. We both were.

These past three months I have wondered why this breakup hasn't really been hard for me in and of itself. 

It wasn't expected. It's not like there were a series of events that led to the breakup allowing me to plan for it and mentally prepare myself--no. Neither of us planned it, and it was a result of one particular event happening that some might call a "deal-breaker." In other words, we were 100% fine in the morning, and by evening it was over.

So, what gives? Was I not really in love? (No. I was.) Do I have no soul? (Maybe.) Is it something else? (Yes.)

I mentioned that I haven't cried and that it hasn't been hard--I want to be very clear about the fact that I mean I haven't cried out of heartbreak and that I haven't spent every day agonizing over how much I miss my relationship. However, I've cried a lot and life in general has been harder than ever.

The past three months have been the hardest of my life, but it's not because I'm necessarily heartbroken. It's because this breakup made me realize how much I don't love myself, and how much that almost every other area of my life is suffering.

My relationship was the best part of my life. It was everything. We were perfect. I didn't realize until it ended that I was blinded by how much I truly hated myself as a person, and I didn't have an ounce of self-love. 

I remember thinking, "You don't really have to love yourself in order to love someone else. That's crap. I'm in love and it's great, but I don't really love myself. I must be the exception to that cliche quote."

Well friends, you DO have to love and respect yourself in order for a relationship to work. Because of my lack of self-love, self-respect, and a good head on my shoulders, my relationship failed and I was forced to remember what it's like to be my own person again. When I realized that I'm now stuck, alone, with someone that I hate...wow, that's a hard pill to swallow.

In a way, I'm grateful to have had the distraction of my own problems apart from my failed relationship because I know how awful heartbreak feels, and in a way, I was able to avoid that wretched feeling. Of course, it was replaced by other feelings that are hard in different ways--but those feelings have caused me to spend these months getting in touch with MYSELF, as an individual, and figuring out what it is that Annie likes, is passionate about, and wants to see come to pass in her life.

It's been hard to be faced with the reality that what I thought my life would amount to is now not how things are AT ALL. Every part of my life changed as a result of this breakup.

But in a way, it's pretty cool that I now get to redesign my life plan and start over. 

It's hard to love yourself when you put so much blame on yourself for various things that have happened, and when you feel like you never will love yourself anyway, so what's the point?

But I don't think I would have ever embarked on this journey had it not been for my breakup. Maybe when I'm 80 years old I would have been happy, but I would've missed out on a whole lot more years of bliss if I waited that long! I want to be happy NOW. At 21. While I still have years ahead of me to live and be happy.

The first 2 1/2 months were spent identifying what exactly my issues with myself are, sulking a lot, and feeling hopeless. But now I'm shifting into improvement gear. I'm bettering myself as a person and remembering what the heck it's like to not be co-dependent. It's scary, but cool.

I don't want to go to a sporting goods store every weekend? I don't go. It's beautiful, you guys. 

So please, if you think that you can be in a relationship when you hate yourself and continuously are self-destructive and lost--maybe think again. I'm not saying your relationship will fail, but you will miss out on getting to love the one person that needs your love the most.